And the love grows

I never understood women who HAD children and wanted another child so desperately that they'd go through fertility treatments.  Or even go through a surrogate, or adopt.  And they'd be crushed if it didn't work out.  I used to say a woman like that was ungrateful, even greedy.  "Just be thankful for what you have" I would've said...Well, this is what I get for being judgmental.

I've come to understand that no matter how many children you have, wanting another baby is just like wanting the first baby.  It's a vicious fire, that, over time, turns into a dull ache.  It's a desperate growl in your soul.  It's the tick, tick, tick of that biological clock that will not be ignored!  And as the idea of this new baby grows in your head, the love for it grows in your heart.  As the idea becomes more and more real, the feeling that you need to produce this little addition to the family becomes a little more unbearable every day.  You need somewhere to put the love thats getting bigger and bigger.  Meanwhile, you love the children you already have, just like always.  You enjoy them and adore them and squish and kiss and care for them just like normal.  But the love still grows... and you can see that new sibling in their eyes.  And you know how amazing, loving and wonderful they'd be with a new baby.  How they'd take turns helping with feedings and baths and, well, maybe not diapers... How they're little eyes would light up when that new baby grabs hold of their finger for the first time.  And your heart melts when your children each, and at different times, confess that they want a new baby too.  And the love grows...

And just when you think you can't take any more, you look into the eyes of your future husband.  And you see your unborn child there.  Along with all the kindness and all the encouragement he offers.  Knowing all the while that becoming a father is the one thing the man you're deeply in love with, has always wanted, needed.  And you want so desperately to make his dream come true, just as he has made all your dreams come true.  Not because you "owe" him, but because you love him.  And because, quite frankly, through love, his dreams and yours are one.  And the love still grows...

So, now here you are.  Hoping and praying for a baby you thought you'd never want.  Loving this child already.  Hoping he or she will have your fiance's eyes.  Going to the doctor to talk about options.  Hearing someone else's baby cry and having your heart jump out of your chest!  Going to more doctors, farther away, for more options.  Finding out that, really, there's only one option because of a decision you made years ago, under completely different circumstances.  Trying not to beat yourself up too much.  Going to start the process for In Vitro Fertilization only to discover that none of the treatment, drugs or tests will be covered by your insurance because you chose to have your tubes tied, all those years ago.  And you TRY not to beat yourself up too much.  And, somehow, the love still grows...

Hope turns to disappointment.  And you're told that IVF without insurance will cost roughly $20,000.  But you try to stay positive.  You're thankful that the money is your only problem, things could certainly be worse!  You thank God for the three healthy, beautiful children with which you've been blessed. You lean on your fiance and he, who you thought would be (and rightfully so) the one crushed by this news, is holding YOU up!  And hope returns!  And the love grows...

And the friends and family who know all your secrets are there for you and supportive.  They tell you it's gonna be fine, you'll find a way.  Don't give up!  Then your fiance tells you it will all be ok, we're gonna build a website.  And he says, "Let me worry about how to do this" and so, you breathe.  And the love grows...

And so, now there's an expensive website, built for free by your talented and generous brother-in-law to be. And as soon as the site goes live, friends and family who have been by your side from the start, and then even those who had no idea any of this was happening, start donating and sharing your website.  And you're in awe!!  And so grateful.  And incredibly humbled.  And the love grows...

You can allow yourself a little wiggle room to get just a little excited now.  Maybe this will work! Maybe your dream of having a baby will become reality.  Maybe the desperate growl in your soul, the dull ache in your heart will become a distant memory and this love that's been growing will find it's place when you meet your newborn baby someday.  And all of this is only possible through the astonishing support and love of friends, family and even strangers!  And there will never be an adequate way to thank them, ever. And the love grows...

http://www.babydobos.com/