Day 7.5

Day 7.5
Well, I'm not gonna sugar coat it....yesterday SUCKED! 

The bad new;
My ultasound only showed 3 folicles.  I was told by my doctors "fellow" that at this point they like to see at least 4 and that usually if all 4 haven't been produced by now, they won't be.  She also said that the success rates are so low with only 3 that it's not even worth doing the retrieval.  Which means that they would cancel my cycle and we would have to start over, new cycle with a new regimen.  Which means new drugs.....which means the THOUSANDS of dollars we've spent on drugs is flushed down the proverbial toilet and we need to buy THOUSANDS more worth of different drugs.  Which, is not really feasible considering that we got free drug to even be able to do this in the first place, and we can't apply for free drug again cuz it's a one time deal.  They sent me home to await a phone call.  They didn't even bother to set up my next appointment.  It was very depressing.

The good news;
SCREW THAT!  I'm making follicles RIGHT FREAKIN' NOW!  I'm gonna be a follicle makin' rock star!!  They can kiss my ass!  We did NOT go through everything we went through just to start over and quit on this cycle.  This cycle WILL work.  My body just does things on it's own time...always has.  (Like when I went into labor with my daughter 12 hours before my scheduled C-section.)   I got the call from a nurse yesterday afternoon that the doctor said for me to continue taking my meds and add Ganirelix (sp?) in the mornings and come in Tuesday morning for another ultrasound and bloodwork.  Fine.  I'm gonna make so many damn follicles they won't know WHAT to do with them all!  Bitches.
:-)

Day 6

Day 6-
I'm exhausted.  I had my all day training today...got home at about 4pm and started making dinner.  Just did my injections, which STUNG today, now I'm blogging before finishing dinner.  I fully intend to go rest after we eat. *sigh*  I'm a little cranky tonight.

Oh, and Emily (my 6 year old) is sick, which basically ensures that I will be sick juuuuuust in time for the retrieval.  lol.  Never fails.  Really hoping a cold will not postpone or complicate matters!!!!!!!!!

Heading to UCONN at about 7:30 tomorrow morning with my Ganirelix....la dee da.

Day 5

Day 5-
Well, day 5 is done!  WOO!  Almost halfway there...
I'm relatively ok.  Very uncomfortable and still Frankenstein like, but surviving.  I've felt the first emotional outbreaks...almost started crying while I was making copies at work today.  Apparently, making copies is quite moving. Ha!  I have to pee constantly and I'm not really sure if I feel hungry or full 90% of the time.  And my friggin' back is killing me.  Ah well, still no big deal.  I can totally do this!  I forgot to mention that when I go for my ultrasound Sunday I have to bring my Ganirelix with me...so I assume that I'll be starting that medication as well.  I can totally do this.......

Aaaaanyway, that said, I am SUPER blessed!  My husband is wonderful, and supportive and helpful!  He ran around all over Litchfield and Torrington tonight taking the kids where they needed to go.  My Mom is babysitting overnight so that I can go to my stupid training tomorrow, and my Mother in law is coming to sit at my house in the morning so that someone is here to sign for my shipment of Gonal F!  I have an absolutely amazing support system!  Don't know what I'd do without them!  Oh boy,  and I'm teary again!
Sheesh!  :-)

Day 4.5

Sorry to keep my HUGE audience waiting... LOL!
Day 4- (kinda) My injections last night kinda sucked. I always feel crappy about a half hour after doing them.  Today is pretty sucktacular.  I'm VERY bloated, can't lean forward without feeling nauseous.  Sneezing makes me fairly certain my ovaries are gonna explode.  Driving is fun, with bumps in the road and whatnot. :-/  Kinda feel like I'm walking like the Abominable Snowman from Rudolph the red nosed Reindeer... or for those of you who DON'T have a 6 year old, perhaps Frankenstein is a better reference?  Either way, you get my drift.  Sitting is VERY uncomfortable, so, ya know it's awesome that my job requires me to sit for 8 hours...and that I'll be sitting for about 10 hours tomorrow for my stupid training class! GAH!
But, I still haven't killed anyone!  YAY ME!  My emotions are in check...so that's a BIG plus.  I ordered more Gonal F today, just enough to get me to Tuesday for now. ($1,112.00 later...)  And I have my ultrasound and more bloodwork Sunday.  Yay! 

I can totally do this.........Right? 

well, I went to UCONN this morning and had my blood drawn so they can check my estrogen levels, the place was PACKED!  FYI- sitting in a waiting room full of hormonally unstable women is scary! lol  I should be getting a call this afternoon to let me know when I have to go in for my ultrasound....I'm a little nervous that they're gonna tell me they need to increase my dose.  Hopefully not.  Really I'm hoping they say to decrease it so we don't have to shell out another $2500.00 to buy more drugs.  We'll see.  fingers crossed.

Day 3

Day 3-
Unremarkable.  Shots sting a bit going in, but no big deal...

Really, almost not even worth blogging about.  I haven't killed anyone...yet.  I don't even FEEL like killing anyone...yet.  Although I did get a bit irritated with my daughter this morning when I spent 5 minutes helping her get her tights on just to finish and have her say, "Just so you know, I don't have any underwear on..."  Precious. Fairly certain my reaction was unrelated to the meds. lol! 

I still have the headache coming and going.  My back hurts.  Other than that, I'm good.  Counting my blessings!!!  :-)

Day 2

Day 2-
Well, I woke up feeling like a million bucks!  For once, that's not sarcasm!  I felt great, like my old self, maybe even better than that. The nurse had told me that my estrogen levels would come down once I took the patches off, before it goes back up from the injections.  So, I'm guessing that is the "high" I was feeling.  Not bloated and space brained, like the fog had lifted.  I still had the headache coming and going, and minimal hot flashes, but nothing major.
I did my injections tonight and it actually was a little easier, didn't burn quite as much.  Hopefully that's me getting used to it?  (Wishful thinking.)  Anyway, I kinda just feel crappy now.  Not horrible, not pain or emotional or even cranky...just, crappy.  Blah.  But hey, everyone is still alive, so I'm counting today as a WIN!  :-)

Day 1

OK-
Day 1- owie!  The Gonal F injections didn't hurt..like at all  In fact none of the injections hurt...but the Menapur friggin' BURNS going in!  Damn.  Only for a second tho....It's manageable.

ready, set, IN VITRO!

So, I went to UCONN today and I have been "cleared" to start my injections of Gonal F tonight!  YAY!  Officially starting the process!  Holy Shit!  I had a little teaching session with a nurse about how inject my Gonal F and how to mix my menapur.  Good times.  It's a little scary, but I think I got it....We shall find out in T minus ONE HOUR!  Exciting stuff!  So, then I'm going back for blood work again on Thursday and then I was supposed to go again Saturday at 7:30 for blood work and an ultrasound.  But I had a mini stroke when I got to work after the doctors appointment cuz I totally forgot that I have mandatory training on Saturday at 8am!  UGH!  It all got straightened out though.  The doctor said he will do the ultrasound either friday or sunday, depending on my lab results from thursday.  He's a hell of a guy, that guy!  :-)

So, anyway....I think I'm gonna start updating daily to track just how crazy I get.  Should be fun, no?  So, hold on to your hats people, heeeeere we go!! 

The Sequel

ok, so, "Waiting to Ovulate" has ended and we're now casting for "Waiting to menstrate" LOL!  I started on my hormone patches on Saturday.  Good times. Pretty sure I'm having hot flashes and headaches due to said patches...  *sigh*  Aaaaanyway, I ordered my meds today to the tune of $2575...plus $90. at my local pharmacy...plus my (roughly) $3,000. worth of free drugs I qualified for and we're good to go!  Hopefully we won't end up needing the other RX for an additional $2500.
UGH!
This is very scary...and nerve racking!  Next step, gotta go to have my baseline cycle day 2 ultra sound and blood work. yahoo!  Trying to keep my head in the game and not get overwhelmed!!  :-)
I did tell my boss about IVF, so at least my employer will know why I've lost my mind.  Lol!

grrrr

I think I'm gonna make a movie called "waiting to ovulate"...the sequel to which, I'm sure, will be, "waiting to menstrate" VERY frustrated with the IVF process right now...like, a LOT!  I kinda hate pharmacies and drug companies at the moment too.  Feel like I'm just running in circles and peeing on sticks.  seriously.  :-/

here's hoping...

Well....haven't been on in a bit, so I have a little updating to do.
I got married in July. Yay!  We raised about $5,000. toward IVF treatment from our Jack n Jill and wedding gifts from our incredibly generous friends and family and in donations from people just wanting to help us out.!!  We are SO blessed and grateful!!!  However, we were still about $7,000-$10,000 in the red.  So, my husband and I applied and just got pre-approved for a medical loan to pay for the rest of our IVF! So now IVF is at the top of my To Do list... We had been making slow but steady progress, but nowm, it's full steam ahead...I hope.
I had my trial transfer done a few weeks ago.  And my day 3 blood work done this past Tuesday, thankfully before the snow storm hit. But yesterday I got a phone call from my nurse saying that my TSH level is elevated and although it's not uncommon, I had to go back for more blood work.  So I went last night and had more blood drawn and I got my "starter packet" with the IVF "handbook".  This seems like progress!  Praying that my blood work comes back ok and we can proceed...but this is progress.  And so out of nowhere, I had a breakdown in my car on the way home. (about a 45 minute trip)  Still trying to put my finger on WHY I'm so emotional, since I'm not on any meds yet!!  I guess it's the What If's. What if it doens't work....what if it DOES?!  What if my thyroid is a problem? And the release of 'this may finally be HAPPENING!'  And what am I gonna tell work?  And are my kids ok with all this??  And I'M TERRIFIED!  Kinda all hit me at once.
So, I got home and explained everything to my husband and we watched the instructional videos for injecting meds.  I read some of the "handbook" to him, about hormones and the retrieval process and recovery times and side effects and never ending injections and I started feeling aaaaall sorts of overwhelmed again.  meh.  One step at a time!  sigh  My husband gave me a big hug and said he is ready and willing to do whatever I need him to do in order to make this easier for me...I can't think of anything he can do at this point, but he really is a keeper!  I think he feels a little helpless in all this because most of it falls on me.  I'm so fortunate to have a best friend who has been through this, who (even when I act like a jerk) I can turn to and who is there for me.  <3  I'm SUPER thankful for that, cuz I'm gonna have A LOT of questions.  And I'm gonna need to hear, "it'll work. It'll be ok!"  A LOOOTT!
Anyway, now I've called and left a message for my nurse to let her know I've done my homework and I'm ready to go buy my ovulation predictor and providing my blood work is ok, I'm ready to get some patches ordered so I can start my first cycle. Can't wait for this stupid phone to ring!  Here's hoping!

And the love grows

I never understood women who HAD children and wanted another child so desperately that they'd go through fertility treatments.  Or even go through a surrogate, or adopt.  And they'd be crushed if it didn't work out.  I used to say a woman like that was ungrateful, even greedy.  "Just be thankful for what you have" I would've said...Well, this is what I get for being judgmental.

I've come to understand that no matter how many children you have, wanting another baby is just like wanting the first baby.  It's a vicious fire, that, over time, turns into a dull ache.  It's a desperate growl in your soul.  It's the tick, tick, tick of that biological clock that will not be ignored!  And as the idea of this new baby grows in your head, the love for it grows in your heart.  As the idea becomes more and more real, the feeling that you need to produce this little addition to the family becomes a little more unbearable every day.  You need somewhere to put the love thats getting bigger and bigger.  Meanwhile, you love the children you already have, just like always.  You enjoy them and adore them and squish and kiss and care for them just like normal.  But the love still grows... and you can see that new sibling in their eyes.  And you know how amazing, loving and wonderful they'd be with a new baby.  How they'd take turns helping with feedings and baths and, well, maybe not diapers... How they're little eyes would light up when that new baby grabs hold of their finger for the first time.  And your heart melts when your children each, and at different times, confess that they want a new baby too.  And the love grows...

And just when you think you can't take any more, you look into the eyes of your future husband.  And you see your unborn child there.  Along with all the kindness and all the encouragement he offers.  Knowing all the while that becoming a father is the one thing the man you're deeply in love with, has always wanted, needed.  And you want so desperately to make his dream come true, just as he has made all your dreams come true.  Not because you "owe" him, but because you love him.  And because, quite frankly, through love, his dreams and yours are one.  And the love still grows...

So, now here you are.  Hoping and praying for a baby you thought you'd never want.  Loving this child already.  Hoping he or she will have your fiance's eyes.  Going to the doctor to talk about options.  Hearing someone else's baby cry and having your heart jump out of your chest!  Going to more doctors, farther away, for more options.  Finding out that, really, there's only one option because of a decision you made years ago, under completely different circumstances.  Trying not to beat yourself up too much.  Going to start the process for In Vitro Fertilization only to discover that none of the treatment, drugs or tests will be covered by your insurance because you chose to have your tubes tied, all those years ago.  And you TRY not to beat yourself up too much.  And, somehow, the love still grows...

Hope turns to disappointment.  And you're told that IVF without insurance will cost roughly $20,000.  But you try to stay positive.  You're thankful that the money is your only problem, things could certainly be worse!  You thank God for the three healthy, beautiful children with which you've been blessed. You lean on your fiance and he, who you thought would be (and rightfully so) the one crushed by this news, is holding YOU up!  And hope returns!  And the love grows...

And the friends and family who know all your secrets are there for you and supportive.  They tell you it's gonna be fine, you'll find a way.  Don't give up!  Then your fiance tells you it will all be ok, we're gonna build a website.  And he says, "Let me worry about how to do this" and so, you breathe.  And the love grows...

And so, now there's an expensive website, built for free by your talented and generous brother-in-law to be. And as soon as the site goes live, friends and family who have been by your side from the start, and then even those who had no idea any of this was happening, start donating and sharing your website.  And you're in awe!!  And so grateful.  And incredibly humbled.  And the love grows...

You can allow yourself a little wiggle room to get just a little excited now.  Maybe this will work! Maybe your dream of having a baby will become reality.  Maybe the desperate growl in your soul, the dull ache in your heart will become a distant memory and this love that's been growing will find it's place when you meet your newborn baby someday.  And all of this is only possible through the astonishing support and love of friends, family and even strangers!  And there will never be an adequate way to thank them, ever. And the love grows...

http://www.babydobos.com/

small victory...

Our first visit went well!  We were told that we're good candidates for IVF....  Overall it was very encouraging.  There IS still the money issue...but we knew that.  And ALL the testing, blood work, etc, etc...  Still we're feeling pretty good about the future tonight. Yay for that!   :)

Well, I guess I'm a blogger now! :) if you couldn't tell, this is my first blog, so bear with me! The purpose of this blog is to track our progress as we go through the process of In Vitro Fertilization treatment. I'm currently on my way to my first appointment at Uconn as I type (no, I'm not driving!) If you want to know the back story to all this you can go to www.babydobos.com The long and short of it is that we have no other options besides doing IVF and my insurance will not cover it. Not a penny. So, we've had a website built to (hopefully) raise some funds to help get us to our goal, a healthy baby! My fiancé, Matt and I are getting married in July. We won't be following through with the process until after the wedding, so, we have a little time to try to raise the money...I'm praying we can make this happen! At any rate, I'm significantly nervous about this appointment today...don't know what to expect...but i do know we'll be meeting with someone from the business office to discuss finances. I guess we'll see how it goes. Fingers crossed! :)